明明我想做Dana Scully,點解依家日日喺度賣字?

Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash

如果係真賣字都仲好啲。

上年寫年度review,其中一篇文係講我喺Team Lab見到Da Vinci嘅一句quote,關於science同art嘅intersection。我最尾講自己認同佢嘅睇法,仲講到自己有份perpetuate the false dichotomy of science and art,但唔夠幾個月之後,我就同人講:「我都係想做番個scientist。」

人真係好鍾意問「點解」:

點解我最敬愛的老師們要叫我揀英文系?

點解要畀我喺BA遇倒Linguistics,如果唔係我應該會轉系?

點解學校啲career counselling咁廢?

自己唔使負責任,FF一下改變幾十年人生之中嘅一個決定就可以扭轉命運都真係幾爽,轉個頭再同自己講聲,其實science同art係一個false dichotomy,不用分得那麼細,係咪? 今年嘅啟示係,what goes around comes around。有啲嘢今日唔處理,遲早都有一日會找上你。就正如當日離開出版界因為我唔想做書,但今年edit咗兩本。又正如我入U第一日就feel到有identity crisis,以為自己ok,但係其實一直都接受唔到。

Disappointment has a name, it’s heartbreak, heartbreak.

To be fair,十八廿二嘅時候人會有幾多self-awareness?但係十年之後,應該要有多少少? 突然解構咗好多工作上嘅困擾:

  • 點解我performance好好但我成日問so what?
  • 點解我一直都睇唔到有朝一日我坐老細個位?
  • 點解我覺得轉公司都係由一個hell去另一個hell?

當然,「突然」係講緊反覆經歷咗個來回地獄又折返人間嘅grief cycle之後,要接受所有regret同disappointment係自己都嘅責任,你估容易咩?

Q: 咁你咪嘥咗之前n年一直build up嘅嘢囉?

A: 我係嘥咗之前n年冇去做自己真正想做嘅嘢啫。雖然我好憎Econ,但係sunk cost is sunk依個concept好make sense。

可能getting lost is the only way to find the right path?

延伸閱讀: How Dana Scully Inspired a Generation of Women https://www.pastemagazine.com/science/the-x-files/examining-the-scully-effect-in-todays-generation/

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Full-time dreamer, part-time armchair psychologist. They/She.

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Vivien Lee

Vivien Lee

Full-time dreamer, part-time armchair psychologist. They/She.

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